Monday, December 19, 2011

It's a balancing act...I haven't mastered it yet

It's been a month since I re-joined Fresh Meat and again, I decide to leave...for the second time. Now I wonder, when I come back again, will a team even want me? Will they question my dedication to the team? The league? My love for derby? When I left back in August, it was for completely different reasons. Some emotional..ok most of them were emotional. I felt like I had been completely screwed over and I was pissed off to be honest. I haven't always been very good at juggling responsibilities and commitments. I usually jump in head first and it's all or nothing. Only with things I actually care about though...and derby was IS one of those things. So I did that. I put my family, friends, everything on hold and followed my passion. When my passion was questioned and I felt like my back was against the wall...I felt almost betrayed by something I loved so much. It made me start to question myself, and I hated that. So...I left. It wasn't long before I realized it wasn't going to be that easy. Roller Derby had become a part of me. It was a force so much bigger than I was and I just couldn't stay away. I was lucky enough to have Alumni status so at any point, I could just walk back on to Fresh Meat. So I did. I was so happy to be back, I couldn't wait to get cleared again and start practicing with the teams. I knew drafts were in Feb, so I made sure to come back early enough to regain the strength and endurance I once had, before my injury back in April. Things didn't go exactly how I had hoped. It was taking longer to get cleared than I thought it would...and I started to feel discouraged after I found out there was a special draft that I wouldn't be eligible for. I was actually mad at myself...mad that I left at all. Mad that my body wasn't doing what I wanted it to, mad that I wasn't better than I was. I had no hopes in actually BEING drafted...I just wanted to be eligible. So that...on top of a few other technicalities made me think - maybe my other dream/passion needed my time and commitment for a while. Derby will always be here. I'm 31, and I skate with women in their late 40's. If I'm THAT dedicated to this, if my heart really burns for derby..that flame will still burn in 6 months, a year, whatever it takes. So, the other day while I was sewing some scarves and stressing about how many I could finish before practice, I realized...I need to just commit to one thing. I got some advice from a few NON derby friends first, they knew me the longest, and they both said the same thing. Derby doesn't bring in money and that's what I need right now. If I don't follow my passion for having my own business, I will always regret it and wonder if I could have done it. SO I sent the email, posted on the forum, sent a few texts and that was that. I was no longer on Fresh Meat. I wasn't Alumni. I wasn't anything...but Kara, jewelry and upcycled clothing designer. I cried, and watched my hope of being drafted in Feb to my absolute favorite team of all time (GNR) go out the window. I immediately thought....when I come back...will anyone want me...and that question has been on my mind every day since. I will say this...if this had gone differently and I actually WAS on a team I would have never left just to sew and make jewelry. I'm leaving now because I think it's the best time. I know when I do come back I will be all in, 1000%. And in reality I could have stayed on FM but not make attendance...but why would I want that? That choice wouldn't have been a good one for anyone. I would have been seen as someone that wasn't dedicated, and didn't take the FM program seriously. I think that would have been much worse than leaving...again.

So there it is. I'm still going to skate with Wreckers, Shadow City, Cherry City, Coos County (when I can get out there), Open Scrimmages, and men's endurance (if they'll still have me!) so in 6 months *that's my special number...I'm giving myself 6 months to get my business going and somewhat off the ground* I'll still have my skill, endurance and I'll be ready!

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