Wednesday, December 28, 2011

HCG - Placebo or not?

While I was absolutely convinced just a few months ago, that the HCG drops worked miracles (I lost about 16 lbs) I'm now wondering if they were just a placebo and a scam. I had planned on going back on the HCG diet this week, and now I'm thinking about just limiting my calorie intake and instead of sticking to the approved food list (aka "the protocol") I may just limit myself to 500 calories a day.
This is just an experiment mind you...certainly not something I plan to stick with for a long period of time.


Monday, December 19, 2011

It's a balancing act...I haven't mastered it yet

It's been a month since I re-joined Fresh Meat and again, I decide to leave...for the second time. Now I wonder, when I come back again, will a team even want me? Will they question my dedication to the team? The league? My love for derby? When I left back in August, it was for completely different reasons. Some emotional..ok most of them were emotional. I felt like I had been completely screwed over and I was pissed off to be honest. I haven't always been very good at juggling responsibilities and commitments. I usually jump in head first and it's all or nothing. Only with things I actually care about though...and derby was IS one of those things. So I did that. I put my family, friends, everything on hold and followed my passion. When my passion was questioned and I felt like my back was against the wall...I felt almost betrayed by something I loved so much. It made me start to question myself, and I hated that. So...I left. It wasn't long before I realized it wasn't going to be that easy. Roller Derby had become a part of me. It was a force so much bigger than I was and I just couldn't stay away. I was lucky enough to have Alumni status so at any point, I could just walk back on to Fresh Meat. So I did. I was so happy to be back, I couldn't wait to get cleared again and start practicing with the teams. I knew drafts were in Feb, so I made sure to come back early enough to regain the strength and endurance I once had, before my injury back in April. Things didn't go exactly how I had hoped. It was taking longer to get cleared than I thought it would...and I started to feel discouraged after I found out there was a special draft that I wouldn't be eligible for. I was actually mad at myself...mad that I left at all. Mad that my body wasn't doing what I wanted it to, mad that I wasn't better than I was. I had no hopes in actually BEING drafted...I just wanted to be eligible. So that...on top of a few other technicalities made me think - maybe my other dream/passion needed my time and commitment for a while. Derby will always be here. I'm 31, and I skate with women in their late 40's. If I'm THAT dedicated to this, if my heart really burns for derby..that flame will still burn in 6 months, a year, whatever it takes. So, the other day while I was sewing some scarves and stressing about how many I could finish before practice, I realized...I need to just commit to one thing. I got some advice from a few NON derby friends first, they knew me the longest, and they both said the same thing. Derby doesn't bring in money and that's what I need right now. If I don't follow my passion for having my own business, I will always regret it and wonder if I could have done it. SO I sent the email, posted on the forum, sent a few texts and that was that. I was no longer on Fresh Meat. I wasn't Alumni. I wasn't anything...but Kara, jewelry and upcycled clothing designer. I cried, and watched my hope of being drafted in Feb to my absolute favorite team of all time (GNR) go out the window. I immediately thought....when I come back...will anyone want me...and that question has been on my mind every day since. I will say this...if this had gone differently and I actually WAS on a team I would have never left just to sew and make jewelry. I'm leaving now because I think it's the best time. I know when I do come back I will be all in, 1000%. And in reality I could have stayed on FM but not make attendance...but why would I want that? That choice wouldn't have been a good one for anyone. I would have been seen as someone that wasn't dedicated, and didn't take the FM program seriously. I think that would have been much worse than leaving...again.

So there it is. I'm still going to skate with Wreckers, Shadow City, Cherry City, Coos County (when I can get out there), Open Scrimmages, and men's endurance (if they'll still have me!) so in 6 months *that's my special number...I'm giving myself 6 months to get my business going and somewhat off the ground* I'll still have my skill, endurance and I'll be ready!